Thursday, April 30, 2009

Our home away from Home

I think that there could be a problem that the world don't see the "real" Australia. It has to be an issue that they don't get the right impression about us.
It seems that our reputation is based on a theory that we all say 'g'day' constantly, show off an extensive arsenal of knives, and occasionally tackling a crocodile and for being loud, abusive angry film stars in Hollywood. And this is all based on the fact that our best media representations to the world are our down to earth khaki wrestling crocodiles, our bus riding drag queens, our megalomaniac media moguls and a psychotic vengeance seeking lawman with a penchance for Leather.

I believe we should start to send out better representations from our moat-bound isle than these shallow representations of our fair nation. I don't think we can just rely on the bywords of our tourists and mentions in occasional distopyan action movies. Can we actoally get our greatest minds together and not throw money at Baz Luhrman as an ad campaign. I didn't have much respect for the Lara Bingle 'Bloody Hell' ad campaign but at least it showed a semblance of our dry humour and irreverent swearing to the world. Can we get our tourist ads produced on an "underbelly" tone with sex, violence and possibly bootlegging. Or maybe get our very own Kath and Kim production house to show the virtues of the outer outer eastern regions of Melbourne and surrounding housing estates in all their outspoken glory.

But this may not be a problem for our island nation but in actual fact I see this as a great opportunity. While we are percieved as fun loving freedom wanting individuals we can now plan our best takeover of the world. We can sit behind this thin mask of incorrect perception and plan for a global world domination.
Who's to say the process isn't already in effect with Australian expats getting control of major media outlets and the world beer supplies we may be halfway to grinding the world to a halt should our nefarious demands not be met.

And now, I think I should be off. Our nation is in need of an Art Deco style lair built around an active volcano. I have a spade and a shovel and I'm going to dig till I find Lava.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Spending for the nation

In times of treacherous economic decisions it is always good to feel a little better about yourselves if you manage to save a little bit of money or think you have saved some cash from one thing or another.

When you happen to get the milk carton with ‘20% more Milk TM’ you smile to yourself as you elbow the poor pensioner off her motor scooter so you can have that extra Milo before you go to sleep without feeling guilty. When you see a ‘5 for the cost of 1’ tray of car air fresheners with the scent of stale beer you have to pick up at least 15 just in case the fiscal apocalypse does happen to crash the world monetary fund and no-one is prepared to make them ever again.

And if this kind of economic frugalness is ‘here to stay’ as most media outlets parrot endlessly, at least until decadence and greed is glamorous again then we’ll have to start to look further and further into measures to beat this recession like a continuously jammed printer in the office.

But the true nature of the beast cannot be beaten by government stimulus packages alone. We, the people, need to start frivolously overspending this money. We need to truly believe that $240 to see Mick Jagger attempt to rock all over again is worth a hidden seat in the back of a cupboard at Rod Laver Arena just so that Keith Richards can snort cocaine off the tour busses toilet seat. We should all buy a small overpriced lump of moving metal that may depreciate within seconds of leaving the lot as a third of it’s cost enters to the speaking salesman’s pockets who’s best character trait is that he can straighten his tie by using only his eyebrows. These things are the best option when convincing yourself, what you can do.

So go out now, spend up and spend up big. Don’t look at something lovingly thinking that you should save the money for your poor child. Buy them a future, buy them a life of luxury, get them limited edition autographed football Guernsey from your favourite team and know that while the food may be a little thin on the table, a tear will come to there eyes(mostly involuntary) when they gaze at that signature.

Now, please excuse me while I rush off. A trusted salesman I know is offering me limited edition Wolverine china TeaSet. Apparently only 5 million cups were made with left handed handles so I’m hoping to I can spend a good 900 to get a matching set. I think I’m worth it.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Repainting the deck chairs on the Titanic.

I seem to be thinking that to fix a mechanically unfit car you need to, occasionally, fiddle with a part or two to get the rust bucket working. Maybe, if necessary, it might be an idea to replace one or two things to keep it going smoothly or, and this is a last resort, the whole thing seems to be falling apart while it’s vibrating down the road it might even be an idea to send it to the scrapyard in the sky (or at least at the end of the street.) But should I recommend that the best way for you to get your car to work would be to re-badge it, repaint it you may think me just a little bit crazy. Even if you’re totally inept and unable to find the difference between your car battery and the windscreen wiper refill port you may just decide to consult an overprice mechanic over myself.

Personally, I wouldn’t blame you.

But that exactly what the Victorian Governments believe will help the embattled transport system do. Considering I’m in marketing I’m highly doubtful that a new logo on a pack of letterhead for each of the stations and some new signs will really assist the operators, the passengers and the trains in general to get past gruelling weather conditions, outdated equipment and an increase in patronage.

But does this kind of spin really help? Can our trains and transport system be run on the optimism of the political candidates and can they really assume. We do joke often that Politicians produce enough hot air to power a wind farm but can we now hook up a politician to a train to ensure it will run.

And that, really, could be a valid idea, considering there is an interest in reducing out carbon footprint and a recent increase in unemployment. Why not gather up all the prospective political aspirants and chuck them in front of the old motor less carriages. The driver can whip them to keep pace ensuring they manage to get to Flinders Street by 8 am and we’d reduce the carbon footprint considerably. Who would have thought the race for parliament was actually a literal reference.

And should there be any issue with this we can include the assistants in this as well. Why stop at just punishing those whose voices keep the media entertained when we can get the whole office block who assist the Member of Parliament to push 500 or so passengers into the city. If someone asks, ‘What is your MP doing for you?’ you can just point to the front of the carriage and nod.

Ah well, we can only dream.

Still, I’m going to get my paint brush out and repaint my own car. Apparently it needs a new fuel tank but I think it only needs a nice coat of Ferrari red.