Monday, January 5, 2009

Resolutions for a new me

So now is the time for the old us to be wheeled out in a cart and the new us to be dropped into the mess that is our lives. And with all this wheeling and dealing it is said to be time to have some kind of resolution of what you are meant to do in your life.

But New Years resolutions are not to be taken lightly. They need to be thought out carefully, measured, allowed for and most importantly allowably attainable for the husk of the person who made it past 2008. This is where most people fall into a screaming mess. Now, if I was a halfway decent support column I'd recommend certain aims for people to have and visions for people to attain but I'm not, so I'll just write up my own list of what I won’t do with some descriptions and if they change your life I have failed at my task.

What I will not do in 2009
I will not be the person who bore the life out of other people at a party. Despite there feigned interest in the movement of the planets they don’t really want to hear about them, or that my opinion on star wars is that it’s an allegory for… well you get the idea. I can’t say that I’m that good at mutual conversation but I am going to brush up on sudden opinionated bursts to keep conversations arguementative. If people are showing too much interest in my collection of rubber stamps from Peru in 1940 then I really have to evaluate whether they are on something really good or just plain freaky like myself.

I will not buy useless electrical items of unknown frivolity that has not real use apart from making people go ooooooooo once then turning away. These are not the best way to start conversations and do not make my house feng shui oriented but clutter up the already small place as well as building up my credit card bill exponentially as they are invariably only available online from Iceland.

I will not attempt to join a gym. Considering there policies are written by the devil, the machines are made by demons and the music track is by a DJ(much much worse than the other two) the whole place could be seen as some kind of hell. The instructors seem to get too much fun out of making unfit people burn through calories and almost collapse across the bars of the machines. I should already have learnt my lesson twice(yes twice) but I must keep away from the polo shirts of shame.

I will not start arguing on an internet forum post, regardless of whether the person posting on it has a name like arguer4530 or spambot265 the argument will only leaving me crushing plastic cups and biting the desk(which is expensive when I finally do get to the dentist.) The whole exercise is fraught with idiocy and since I have been known to delve into the occasional fray before it is much better to say some minor opinionated comment to enrage the masses then run off into the sunset, skipping.

I will not try new things, since most new things have been done before, by other people and a lot better. I will just leave myself to do other things that I’ve done before at a mediocre level to ensure that the balance of the world is in good order. Who wants to be the worlds best skydiver(I’m not sure how you do attain it but I presume it’s the one most alive after the fall) and the best bungee-jumper if all it means is that people smile faintly at you after you tell them then move away from you, asking you not to follow them.

I think that should be enough for this year, it’s enough to give me a headache and I’m already five days into the year. If you do think of any others or think that these are not good enough for my resolutions then just post here and we can argue like it’s 2008.

1 comment:

silly silly llama said...

Very well thought out. If you are going to stick to these, I see a flawless path through 2009 for you. Thanks for paling my previously prided 2009 resolutions into insignificance. They now need to be SERIOUSLY reassesed, as they conatined no religious references, falling out of or off things, or Stars Wars allusions whatsoever! Now they just look silly!