Monday, December 22, 2008

The fear of kids

Kids can smell fear a mile off.

They don’t need any special training or specific gadgets, they seem to know the fears of anyone in close proximity to themselves and able to instantly grab the nearest obsessive compulsive agoraphobic person and blow their snot covered nose on their leg. If you fear holding a child in case you drop your best friend’s bundle of joy? Next thing the bundle of joy will do is squirm like there is no tomorrow, which could be soon if the child makes a break for it by sky diving to the floor.
And I’m going to have to mention anything about expensive jewellery and breakable items around the house. Vases seem so much more satisfying to push over when someone is running towards the child screaming ‘Nooooooooooooo’ and at that age the child gets away with only a light tap on the behind a shake of the head, a mention of ‘kids’ and a tuck into bed.

And yet this, I believe, is not kids attacking but defending against all the threats and horrors that we put in their direction. Who would believe that if you walk on the cracks on the road that a bear will come up and eat you? Well kids actually. They may smile and say of course you’re joking but why would they not believe their trustworthy saints that are parents. Until they realise they are being lied to, become teenagers and start nonchalantly declaring they know all about life itself, they will bawl there eyes out that you were going to let them get sucked down the plughole after a bath.
Many a sleepless night is due to one parent needing four hours of peaceful alcohol sipping and the offspring to keep there eyes shut and snore. Instantly, necessity conjures up the beast of a thousand tentacles under the bed that will get them if they put a foot to the floor that keeps the child paralysed in terror believing that the cord to its DVD player is actually one of the legs and starts off a chain of events that will end in a doctor’s office forty years from now attacking a plush octopus toy with a foam bat being coaxed by a middle aged psychiatrist who tuts a lot.

Give me second….

Oh, where was I.

Oh yes. We do seem to confuse the children a lot more nowadays with our threatening stories. Our stories that are meant to teach them right from wrong. The Stranger in the street you should not trust who will hand out candy and lead you astray is a great signal but should a big fat bearded guy jump down a chimney offering ponies to people, the child should go back to bed, he’s only parked his archaic flying vehicle and livestock(or lunch) on the roof.

Well, I’m not going to go all out at the parents; I think we’re a little envious of the deluded minds of the children. If I could watch television and believe anything about the Abflexoramor sold by the b-grade kung-fu artist that dices, slices, cooks toast and makes my buns look taut then I’d probably be a lot happier with the world. So if I can be unhappy thinking that this world is out to get my, why can’t every small child think the same, even if I make up additional terrors to make it a whole lot worse.

Anyway, go off now have a great festive season and read some other post, as I need a moment to myself. And if you don’t, the webcam will jump up off the top of your screen, grow legs and head butt you until you are comatose on the floor. I off now, I think I need to get out some frustrations with a foam bat, a plush octopus toy and a whole lot of vodka.

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