Monday, December 22, 2008

The fear of kids

Kids can smell fear a mile off.

They don’t need any special training or specific gadgets, they seem to know the fears of anyone in close proximity to themselves and able to instantly grab the nearest obsessive compulsive agoraphobic person and blow their snot covered nose on their leg. If you fear holding a child in case you drop your best friend’s bundle of joy? Next thing the bundle of joy will do is squirm like there is no tomorrow, which could be soon if the child makes a break for it by sky diving to the floor.
And I’m going to have to mention anything about expensive jewellery and breakable items around the house. Vases seem so much more satisfying to push over when someone is running towards the child screaming ‘Nooooooooooooo’ and at that age the child gets away with only a light tap on the behind a shake of the head, a mention of ‘kids’ and a tuck into bed.

And yet this, I believe, is not kids attacking but defending against all the threats and horrors that we put in their direction. Who would believe that if you walk on the cracks on the road that a bear will come up and eat you? Well kids actually. They may smile and say of course you’re joking but why would they not believe their trustworthy saints that are parents. Until they realise they are being lied to, become teenagers and start nonchalantly declaring they know all about life itself, they will bawl there eyes out that you were going to let them get sucked down the plughole after a bath.
Many a sleepless night is due to one parent needing four hours of peaceful alcohol sipping and the offspring to keep there eyes shut and snore. Instantly, necessity conjures up the beast of a thousand tentacles under the bed that will get them if they put a foot to the floor that keeps the child paralysed in terror believing that the cord to its DVD player is actually one of the legs and starts off a chain of events that will end in a doctor’s office forty years from now attacking a plush octopus toy with a foam bat being coaxed by a middle aged psychiatrist who tuts a lot.

Give me second….

Oh, where was I.

Oh yes. We do seem to confuse the children a lot more nowadays with our threatening stories. Our stories that are meant to teach them right from wrong. The Stranger in the street you should not trust who will hand out candy and lead you astray is a great signal but should a big fat bearded guy jump down a chimney offering ponies to people, the child should go back to bed, he’s only parked his archaic flying vehicle and livestock(or lunch) on the roof.

Well, I’m not going to go all out at the parents; I think we’re a little envious of the deluded minds of the children. If I could watch television and believe anything about the Abflexoramor sold by the b-grade kung-fu artist that dices, slices, cooks toast and makes my buns look taut then I’d probably be a lot happier with the world. So if I can be unhappy thinking that this world is out to get my, why can’t every small child think the same, even if I make up additional terrors to make it a whole lot worse.

Anyway, go off now have a great festive season and read some other post, as I need a moment to myself. And if you don’t, the webcam will jump up off the top of your screen, grow legs and head butt you until you are comatose on the floor. I off now, I think I need to get out some frustrations with a foam bat, a plush octopus toy and a whole lot of vodka.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Rehab for the media

Drugs are cool, right now.
Really really cool.

And they are cool, even with my uncoolness saying that they are cool. This is all down to the media. You can't go past the media and marketing of such products that keeps them, without sponsoring or paying for anything, in the public eye for decades.

You can see a newspaper, website or women’s checkout magazine without some mention of this star or that star being tested for drugs, photographed taking drugs, caught driving into a rehab on drugs or transporting them overseas taped to your waist. Hell, if you want to go looking for a dealer of any kind track down a TV channel news team and watch where who they go to.

The marketing team for drugs are on a winner. They can't lose. They have everyone speaking about them on a daily basis, going to schools informing kids about them, putting it on there favourite websites, even some insane people writing blogs about them. They don't have to lobby the government, the politicians are chasing after them as much as possible.

The poorer, lesser brothers and sisters of the industry are shut out, mentioned occasionally, and locked from all this attention. I mean, junk food is trying to get the whole bad image on the national agenda with the obesity epidemic but do you hear Amy Winehouse heading into rehab because she can't stop herself from buying an ounce or two and relaxing on chocolate. Outlawing it for school kids is always a good start. Even Caffeine itself is trying to get some street credibility but with anyone able to throw down a warm cup of coffee it's doesnt have the edge and just like Robin with Batman it's often relegated behind its offsider cigarettes (which will kill you apparently).

The only thing cooler than drugs is sex, and to beat sex at it's own game (it has a considerably amount of media clout to say the least) I think drug needs to enter the swearing arena. Already it has some inroads with insults like a 'drugged up junky'. You need to have the single syllable key word, something that sounds sinister but edgy enough to be used as a one off. You need some LAPD officers yelling ‘Oh, Crack’ when they run out of donuts in a car chase or Angelina Jolie and some fifteen year old Hollywood upcoming actor yelling ‘Ice you’ at each other before kissing each other and marrying off set.

Still it’s got a pretty good media image.
Maybe someone should start charging for it.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Soles of the world – (News)

In recent new, the esteemed President of the Free World(It’s easier to pronounce than the US of A) George Dubya recently had to evade and avoid a reporters shoes at a media conference in the prime ministers residence in Iraq. This may sound like an issue George had with a dance routine but said reporter, Muntazer al-Zaidi, was angrily throwing his shoes, one after the other, while the President was successfully playing dodge ball at the podium, According to all the news reports(and with such footage and photos from a room full of journalists, there is a stack as well as spin off Youtube videos already) the soles of the shoes are considered the ultimate insult and so this being levelled at Dubya indicates the animosity coming across.

But this does have a severe comment on the security issue, especially around the president. Needless to say I can’t believe that the man was allowed in with such dangerous missiles. Who knows what could have happened if this man was a size 14 as opposed to a 10. Soon we may have to see anti shoe netting at such an event, allowing through spit balls but stopping all shoes above a certain size. Secret Service should have someone on shoe detail at ground level watching everyone’s feet in case they twitch too high and leaping forward should a hand reach to scratch an ankle.
And this shouldn’t be limited to men as well, considering the metalwork inside some women’s shoes they should have lethal weapon licenses just to wear them around. Who knows how dangerous a pair of stilettos can be in the right hands? Certainly the secret service will be aware of this kind of thing.

I blame Tom Jones though, and I know that seems like it’s from left field but he, and others of his ilk are to blame for all this wearables throwing. Underwear was just underwear until the first screaming fan decided to elevate themselves from the crowd by asking the singer to check the laundry. Who’s to say this was originally even a fan, it might have even been a small gig in Surrey where the band members were thrown such an insult but assumed that there merging of syncopated beats with bad guitar had won over a crowd member. And thus the revolution was started.

Truly this leads on to a few different things, the security of press conferences and public appearances will probably try to disallow shoes and possibly socks of any kind, regardless of whether it’s a sunny day in Rio(with no issue whatsoever) or a Meredith Music Festival mud bog(which would be like swimming) and as these new rules will come into play most people will start to throw more obscure items. Wallets probably won’t leave the hands but earrings have high potential(especially with the larger hooped ones), skivvies could be chucked at a Wiggles concert(those five year olds can get quite vocal) and even throwing the person sitting next to you(personal fitness may need to be pretty good).

Regardless, I’m going to sit here behind my glass divider and devise ways to sharpen the heel of my rubber shoe to a point. I think I’ll just have it as self defence.

Article to Read(if you need to)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Attack of the barbie doll cult

The term cult is often used to describe a religious group that can be seen as potentially destructive to either it’s members, society or both and current trends indicate that people out there belong to cults that are not officially being watched by as yet unnamed quadruple letter government agencies.

You may think me mad, but some of these cults are moving inwards, securing new blood often with clever enticement ploys and often without visible figureheads. One extremely visible cult exists that appear on our streets every day and the government do nothing about them. I for one, in such a world with reputable reporting programs like Today Tonight and A Current Affair, am shocked.

So take a look at the Barbie doll cult. This female dominated cult seem to follow strict habit of eating bugger all and attire themselves in outfits bright enough to be considered hazardous environment outfits but only really protecting the waist, half of the breasts and possibly the navel. They’re required to splash on an orange fake tan (the closer to a carrot the better), peroxide their hair blonde (the whiter and straighter the better) and walk about on high heels to ensure that should they need to run, it’ll be at the hilarity of all other people around.

Now before I hear people yelling that this can’t be a cult I know people like this, I’ll show you the really disturbing side of these people.

These cult members carry diamante encrusted branded mobile phones around with them not for the only purpose of talking to other cult members, chanting the words ‘so’ and ‘like’ in there communication with each other. Some of them, possibly the leaders of this insidious cult, also carry miniature Chihuahua’s around with them either as sacrifices or as potential guard dogs sitting inside the required handbag that has branding on the side in extremely large and metallically tacky letters.

Devout cultists will barely give you the time of day, sometimes this can be for the lack of vision through their sunglasses and the fact that their tanning spray was too heavy and they forgot to put goggles over there eyes. Lesser cultists will just extol the benefits by saying thing like ‘like, how great does this bag look’ in a slightly accented fashion (accents can vary depending on the idiocy)

Needless to say all of the marking on there ‘handbags’ and items is in single or double letters for these people who seem to lack any real literate interest are in fact indicators of their level or rank inside the cult.

I can see all this evidence is building up, but look our for these ones, tottering around and be aware when one says to try ‘having a spray on tan’ you should just run for your life.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I trust the Real Estate Agents to not be trustworthy

Do Real Estate Agents dream of PR Sheep?

I can say that at this current stage I have some interest in the property market and I'm amazed that the pages of the material don't burn up in shame with the messages spread over them. As someone who has gone through media releases with a fine tooth comb for corporate clients, the paragraphs that you read about some properties are simply laughable.

To call a spade a spade, the releases are pure entertainment gold. If advertising was the movie industry, real estate would fall into the cult status of 'so ridiculous you wouldn't believe it'.
And maybe that could be the real truth. Maybe the writers for the Realtor industry evidently just walked off the last Jean Claude Van Dam movie to put pen to paper for the Real Estate Industry.
While Sylvester could mumbling over the storyline to Rambo vs Rocky(with 2 incomprehensible leads) his scriptwriters are noting down that a hovel with no space, no light in the corner of Broadmeadows is a 'beautifully enclosed nest on the fringe of the city with additional security benefits.' Steven Seagal could be mentioning 'he's just the cook' again while Dandenong is compared to Paris(Bad Traffic) and Venice(It's flooded) and that's just on the probable stages.
Heaven knows what they were writing when Pearl Harbour came along.

So thanks to the Real Estate industry I can be thankful that I live on high(second story) in a beatifully airy(holes in the wall) abode(single bedroom) for a close couple(with no space) with no renovations needed(or possible). I think I might just rent Commando again, the blurb says amazing things about that one.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Do not join a GYM

Stop Press,

The most important news today is that you should not join a gym.

Why you may ask?

  • Is it because you have to try and look semi interested while running for 20 kilometers looking at a silent video screen playing homer beating his head against a wall on the simpsons?
  • Is it because if you pick up a weight you have to try and not listen to the sniggers from the muscle bound hulks who are curling twice the weight you're holding in one hand, and that's just the women?
  • Is it because the only time the classes you are intersted in are invariably clashing with the rest of your calendar?
  • Is it because you can get just as much exercise at home doing the chores that you need to get done, without paying someone and actually saving some money?
Well, yes to all above in fact, but the one reason I'm finding really hard to understand is that you can't leave.

Just like the telecommunication and banks, the gyms include in the fine print interesting little details that require you to make an appointment to leave the gym some time within there hours on a monday to friday, and to watch your money siphon out as they have '30 day cooling off period'.

I'm looking forward to when they finally have prepaid memberships so you can itemise your exercise. They could even break it down to:

$ 0.20 per lift of a weight
$ 0.30 per failed lift of a weight.
$ 2.00 for carrying me out of the gym
$ 5.00 for sparring
$10.00 to not get beaten up during sparring
$20.00 for the instructor to throw the fight.

I'd agree to that kind of prepayment, at least I'd get some kind of return.