90 days of Hell(now rebranded as Metro)

So the new stationmasters have stepped in to the boots that Connex left with much fanfare, flashy lights and other such media releases. Much hullabaloo is also being made about the fact that nothing seems to be changing and that a few days in we should nail them to a cross and dancing around with pitchforks.

I’m holding my judgement for now.

The new breed of owners who’s new ‘original’ name is Metro have already started by stomping all over whatever respectability ‘Connex’ had by decrying the lack of service for the trains, the fact that parts are missing and that they are not ‘Connex’.
Now I know, that every media outlet has been banging on about the fact that out of 3000 + members of the company only about 20 people right up the top have moved onto another job at another place (most likely with a good send off with a banquet and all) but I think it needs to be absolutely clear on this.

Trains are identical - Check
Tracks are identical – Check
Staff are still wearing the badly fitting overcoats – Check
Control System is still identical – Check
MX still handed out haphazardly at stations – Check
Occasional spin still sent out by Transport Minister – Check
Transit Authority still informing us that it won’t be fixed overnight –Check

It doesn't seem that different to me personally. But on that last point is where I start to get a little annoyed. We just went out to the world to look for the people who are prepared to offer us the method to turn our ailing system around and they haven’t completed it already?
I don’t care if the infrastructure is so bad we might as well wrap it all up in Gaffer tape or that every train is sticking together entirely based on the belief held by Lynne Kosky in flying pigs but they should be able to fix this thing quick smart. Considering how long and arduous this tender process was I can’ think why we didn’t get a team who promised converting lead into gold, water into wine and bus stops into nightclubs, all in the first night.
I have noticed a few new changes though already, apart from the occasional new executive laughing uproariously from the Metro head office. As one of the new changes is for more information on announcements, I presume Commuters will now get a clipped female reading full romantic history of all trains should any of them need a mental fatigue day. Granted it will tell us what actually happened but it will be dull and boring but wouldn’t it be better to have a droll sarcastic voice yelling out obscenities to help the commuters at least know it annoys the operators and workers just as much them.

Still I’ll give them 90 days(28 Feb 2010) before I properly yell and abuse them. I don’t know why but I would actually like them to get the system working to cover the 600,000 people who travel daily. And if they need it, I’m more than happy to yell obscenities over the loudspeaker instead of the current announcements.

Helpfulness-ness

I had the chance this morning to help a bewildered visitor to Melbourne town who was trying to get to RMIT from the corner of Elizabeth and Collins. Now for all the non Melbournites out there, this kind of direction is quite simplistic and helped me feel good about myself for the next hundred meters or so till I started dodging trams jaywalking on Bourke St.


The man, of unknown overseas origin, wandered on his way happily hoping that he was one step closer to his destination than he had been when standing on our meeting corner. And I can't recommend enough that you ensure these tourists, visitors, new residents, interlopers or otherwise time travellers do get the assistance that they are asking for.

It may be a little far to run ahead of him and drop bread crumbs or pay a skywriter to lead them towards there intended goal but it does give you a good kick to make people feel a little better.
Now, I know you can all see this as self congratulatory but this should lead to an obvious conclusion.

People need to help people out.

Well, I don't think that was that much of a revelation but maybe, just maybe if you're feeling a little down you should go out and find someone who is incompetently trying to parallel park their scooter and assist them (without appearing to actually steal the scooter).

Heck, this should be naturally for everyone to assist any stranger, who happens to walk by, across a pedestrian crossing regardless if they want to cross or not. Why not wait half an hour to merge onto a freeway letting everyone else past first, you'll feel 189.3% better than you had earlier in the day(figure not yet proven)

But lastly, if you want to truly help someone else. Maybe you should let them help you. If you notice a friend or colleague feeling a little glum then what better way to make them feel better than to go out there and injure yourself(only to a slight degree, no point killing yourself) so that they can give you the kiss of life, tourniquet up your acute angled knee and feel for a good two days on top of the world.

Well, that's all from me for this post.
I think it's time I went and helped some people out.
Maybe just a twisted ankle this time, broken bones just take too long to heal.

Spending for the nation

In times of treacherous economic decisions it is always good to feel a little better about yourselves if you manage to save a little bit of money or think you have saved some cash from one thing or another.

When you happen to get the milk carton with ‘20% more Milk TM’ you smile to yourself as you elbow the poor pensioner off her motor scooter so you can have that extra Milo before you go to sleep without feeling guilty. When you see a ‘5 for the cost of 1’ tray of car air fresheners with the scent of stale beer you have to pick up at least 15 just in case the fiscal apocalypse does happen to crash the world monetary fund and no-one is prepared to make them ever again.

And if this kind of economic frugalness is ‘here to stay’ as most media outlets parrot endlessly, at least until decadence and greed is glamorous again then we’ll have to start to look further and further into measures to beat this recession like a continuously jammed printer in the office.

But the true nature of the beast cannot be beaten by government stimulus packages alone. We, the people, need to start frivolously overspending this money. We need to truly believe that $240 to see Mick Jagger attempt to rock all over again is worth a hidden seat in the back of a cupboard at Rod Laver Arena just so that Keith Richards can snort cocaine off the tour busses toilet seat. We should all buy a small overpriced lump of moving metal that may depreciate within seconds of leaving the lot as a third of it’s cost enters to the speaking salesman’s pockets who’s best character trait is that he can straighten his tie by using only his eyebrows. These things are the best option when convincing yourself, what you can do.

So go out now, spend up and spend up big. Don’t look at something lovingly thinking that you should save the money for your poor child. Buy them a future, buy them a life of luxury, get them limited edition autographed football Guernsey from your favourite team and know that while the food may be a little thin on the table, a tear will come to there eyes(mostly involuntary) when they gaze at that signature.

Now, please excuse me while I rush off. A trusted salesman I know is offering me limited edition Wolverine china TeaSet. Apparently only 5 million cups were made with left handed handles so I’m hoping to I can spend a good 900 to get a matching set. I think I’m worth it.

Repainting the deck chairs on the Titanic.

I seem to be thinking that to fix a mechanically unfit car you need to, occasionally, fiddle with a part or two to get the rust bucket working. Maybe, if necessary, it might be an idea to replace one or two things to keep it going smoothly or, and this is a last resort, the whole thing seems to be falling apart while it’s vibrating down the road it might even be an idea to send it to the scrapyard in the sky (or at least at the end of the street.) But should I recommend that the best way for you to get your car to work would be to re-badge it, repaint it you may think me just a little bit crazy. Even if you’re totally inept and unable to find the difference between your car battery and the windscreen wiper refill port you may just decide to consult an overprice mechanic over myself.

Personally, I wouldn’t blame you.

But that exactly what the Victorian Governments believe will help the embattled transport system do. Considering I’m in marketing I’m highly doubtful that a new logo on a pack of letterhead for each of the stations and some new signs will really assist the operators, the passengers and the trains in general to get past gruelling weather conditions, outdated equipment and an increase in patronage.

But does this kind of spin really help? Can our trains and transport system be run on the optimism of the political candidates and can they really assume. We do joke often that Politicians produce enough hot air to power a wind farm but can we now hook up a politician to a train to ensure it will run.

And that, really, could be a valid idea, considering there is an interest in reducing out carbon footprint and a recent increase in unemployment. Why not gather up all the prospective political aspirants and chuck them in front of the old motor less carriages. The driver can whip them to keep pace ensuring they manage to get to Flinders Street by 8 am and we’d reduce the carbon footprint considerably. Who would have thought the race for parliament was actually a literal reference.

And should there be any issue with this we can include the assistants in this as well. Why stop at just punishing those whose voices keep the media entertained when we can get the whole office block who assist the Member of Parliament to push 500 or so passengers into the city. If someone asks, ‘What is your MP doing for you?’ you can just point to the front of the carriage and nod.



Ah well, we can only dream.

Still, I’m going to get my paint brush out and repaint my own car. Apparently it needs a new fuel tank but I think it only needs a nice coat of Ferrari red.

For the love of coffee

It has been commented by many through the years of my life that in the morning my movement and speed is matched only by a pot smoking turtle. I think that the amphibious narcotics community would be severely hurt by that kind of an allegation as I move at pace that is only discernable in a time lapse video. My own and many other peoples reason for this is that the morning does not begin until we’ve mixed some brown powder into some boiling hotwater. Until this appears in our hands we should be classed as the walking dead, moaning occasionally as we lumber through the rising sunlight.

I know that I’m not alone in this legal narcotic addiction. Friends, family, unknown strangers all suffer from this heaving post caffeine haze that can be matched, in pain only, by a hangover from a heavy night of tequilas. These other coffee addicts of the town can be seen lining up on street corners or curled up in a ball on a train to the city.

Since this is such a wonderful drop that has kept me going I won’t listen to a bad word against it. I know it yellows your teeth, can give you heart palpitation and is not recommended by either the doctors on the TV or the Heart Foundation, but I still like it. It’s just so comforting to know that in my hands I carry a substance that can enable me to finish off a gruelling day of work. Some people need chocolate to calm them down but I need coffee to keep me awake.

Needless to say, this city of mine runs on caffeine. They can limit the water in times of drought, food in times of war and electricity in times of those eclectic massage chairs(which are fun) but the whole city will grind to a halt should the caffeine level be stopped. Having an Espresso isn’t just having a drink it’s a way of living. Even on 45 degree days (celcius) people, including me will ask for a cappuccino or mocha in preference over a nice cool milkshake.

And Melbourne loves it as well, with it’s abundance of coffee shops, bars, even Laundromats with espresso machines you can’t escape the smell or pleasure of a cup anywhere. You’d need to hide yourself in a cupboard with eucalyptus stuffed up your nose and chewing gum the whole time.

Now before I do fall asleep at my desk I have to dash to the coffee shop to get my second fix for the afternoon.
Would anyone else like a cup while I’m there?
It’s nice and hot.

The dangers of unfavourable work (or The trains are crap in warm weather.)

To live in such a wonderful city as Melbourne you have to be able to understand a little about the climate. Or more to the point it’s unpredictable nature. In this city I call the centre its rainfall seems to be about as predictable as the roll of the dice at a craps table, invariably it won’t be to your liking. And the more you live in Melbourne the more you love the fact that it can be 4 seasons in one day, or at least get to be used to carrying a jacket and umbrella in 42° Celsius heat just in case it’s going to change to be a thunderstorm.

To weather the storm we try to rely on our local weathercasters who have the respectability of a car salesman, the insurance premiums of Evil Knievel and the public respect of a parking inspector. Needless to say they have short careers before moving on to things like Teleprompter readers (possibly known as News reporters.) after they make too many bad predictions. Said predictions are actually based more on the feelings they have, the abusive letters they receive from yesterday and rolling dice in the office. And at one point or another they are often names as being most hated public professional in Melbourne.

To put it mildly, I don’t envy their job at all.

But, they are being overtaken by at least one group who want to be vilified as the most hated in Melbourne and that is ticket inspectors.

On days such as this scorching hot 37° Celsius day the current Melbourne train company is spitting out spin doctors words like it’s having a fit, declaring that should anything happen today to cancel a few trains that they have no responsibility and it has no bearing on the fact that the system is barely capable for the crush of people at the best of times.

And then, to make their presence even better they have a public outing of the grey trench coated inspectors at each station ensuring that you pay your dollars to them so they can pack you into a sardine tin to bake in the body odour of others while the platitudes of a computer voiced speaker tells you that you still have an hour on this lunchbox ride of hell. If only the inspectors seemed a little more helpful.

I know that we, as a community tend to deride our infrastructure systems for its failings and look for the devil in the system but do they have to treat every person as though they were about to commit acts of terrorism by buying a two hourly ticket instead of a daily ticket, they might have a little better public image. Regardless of whether the punk in the jeans that are sitting on his ankles has his concession card on him or not, if you slam him up against a wall, he’ll still get his Toorak based parents to sue you the very next day. So maybe we should look at a better alternative, maybe teaching the inspectors some courtesy, and occasionally letting people off with a warning.

There is a way for them to get a little better public image and I’ll elaborate, so read on to the end to understand. If a commuter happens to miss out on buying a zone 1 and 2 ticket they then recieve a $100 dollar fine for a difference of about $1.50. If that is truly the penalty for that much error in expenditure, the brand new ticketing system (because that will, of course, help the trains mechanically work better, less packed and on time) that was meant to cost $500 million dollars but is now at $1.5 billion dollars(a difference of a scant billion dollars) I expect a ticket inspector at the door with a good sized $60 billion dollar transit fine soon enough, maybe even in novelty sized for the photo opportunity. We all love to see a useless company get a bit of a fine for stupidity occasionally.

Now I have to run so please excuse me while I get the deodorant.

I’m going to do my bit to alleviate the other passengers inside my sardine can.