Here's to the non-recession.

Thanks to the efforts of numerous politicians on both sides of the fence, millions of consumerist instincts (similar to communist instincts only that the colour red has to surround the word sale) and a healthy dose of what the hell just happened; Australia is apparently not going into a recession.

So I feel a whole lot safer personally to know that all those real estate agents who had gone into hiding after inflating house pricing to insurmountable levels are now crawling out from there rocks to bask in the sun with lawyers, reporters and bloggers.

But if you are just looking at the crisp freshness of a brand new contract I recommend you start working on your plans for the economic meltdown. Considering the last major three world slowdowns happened every ten or so years it might be an idea to get ready for the next one(as well as the next 3 epidemics) by laying the ground-work now for a safety net to ensure you retain your job is such complicated times. Here are a few hints to start off.

Whatever your job may be, it has to be a needed and almost exclusive profession. Encourage everyone to use your role where you can but tell everyone it’s a highly dangerous and disgusting job, especially children and teenagers who, in a decade’s time, could possibly land your role for half your wage and twice your quality. Try to break all hopes they have of working in the industry by showing them an image of your office as it will break all false illusions of hope.

The other part is that your industry needs to be kept buoyant in the times of economic downturn. Even if your industry is as niche as a knitted assault rifle cosy for the over 60 year olds it is better to ensure that there is a market and that the market is in dire needs of your product or services. Should you have to illicitly vandalise a few of these products the demand will stay high enough for the demand to outstrip production.

At all times it is good to have a backup job or market in case you are a little too worried. If you’re a manufacturer of a products look for a good second market to drop these items in too as a backup, maybe one that could be seen as being less savoury on first inspection. If you happen to be producing a inflatable pool toys, simply re-box them as military grade pontoons and sell them to Aussie disposals stores. If you happen to be a data entry clerk at a multinational corporation insert your name into another’s teams roll call the instant the word downsizing starts flapping overhead. That way should one or the other team be dropped you’ll get both the redundancy payout and the assurance of your job.

But I’ll stay happy where I am with this recession or lack thereof. I’ve made a nice bunker in the supply room, I have a chain holding me to the desk here and if anyone wants to get me out of my job here, you’re going to have to use a crowbar and an oxy cutter.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend me your emails.

In my years of surfing the Internet, checking emails, watching bad viral videos and even making some money on the side, I have been amazed by the stupidity of the Internet and the fear of the unknown people are when they enter into this world of negotiable knowledge.

I am meaning, of course, about the proliferation and scourge of the chain emails.

Chain letters, once the social outcast of the physical mail system managed to get from one communication option to another. Bouncing around the red letterboxes of life until one, if not all, were scanned, typed and dictated into a computer to be sent on an endless quest of annoyance(If you can't tell, I'm not a fan). I am an opponent to them in all senses, in fact I have got to the point of sending chain emails back to "friends" of mine threatening wanton destruction of property, but that is taking the whole hate aspect a little too far. These fearful people, friends and acquaintances among them, are only worried about their health and safety. I think it only natural that you believe that a south American orphan will kill you if you don't send the email onto 12 of your closest friends, especially as that orphan has now got access to a computer. This orphan, who might or might not be a spirit has enough time and worry to want to look through email logs on her computer, just in case you sent the email off to a dead end of some sort or do the opening of emails emit a placating spiritual essence to fend off such a spirit.

As well as the gory warning about such a happening there are also the luck emails that inspire you to send them on 'as luck will follow' if you send them to 25 of your friends. Each one contains a wealth of testimonials, each about a person in a long distant location who has benefit ted with finding enough gold or winning enough money to give their dead wife's prized gold fish a heart transplant. A tear comes involuntarily to my eye as I read such badly worded drivel but I think it can be assumed that only the 'unlucky' ones are the smart ones. The unlucky ones are mentioned that fail miserably in life over the next 20 years, or lose their entire family in a freak golf ball incident if they do not send on the emails. I'm still waiting to be attacked by golf balls and, short of walking through a driving range wearing a target I have my doubts.

But, and this is the important thing, if these people are right then we should really be worried. If, at current trend, people are sending these emails out continuously with spirits, luck, poltergeists and curses attached to them we may need to rethink our application of computers in the home. Internet fridges were just a warning but I'm worried that in the future our toaster's could be imbued with the spirit of a cranky pirate who only will cook toast if you call it a scurvy dog or the light switches hexxed to flicker when certain people walk through the room imbuing them with .5% more UV radiation than anything else. Who knows how many items will now need to be exorcised to keep them from being harnessed. We may see it as beneficial if our alarm clock bounces emails around making luck shine from it's bright red LED's but do we really need it to turn evil and not wake us up in the morning for work.

Anyway, that's enough of a scare campaign from myself. I can't think that this docuement is providing you with zero luck whatsoever. But should you not send a message out about this blog to anyone a rock will fall in the Andes in Argentina that will roll into a snowball, be flung at a poor defenceless orphan who will make a vow of revenge to start a revolution encompassing the world that will destroy all computers and electronic devices.

Wait a minute. That might not be such a bad idea.