90 days of Hell(now rebranded as Metro)

So the new stationmasters have stepped in to the boots that Connex left with much fanfare, flashy lights and other such media releases. Much hullabaloo is also being made about the fact that nothing seems to be changing and that a few days in we should nail them to a cross and dancing around with pitchforks.

I’m holding my judgement for now.

The new breed of owners who’s new ‘original’ name is Metro have already started by stomping all over whatever respectability ‘Connex’ had by decrying the lack of service for the trains, the fact that parts are missing and that they are not ‘Connex’.
Now I know, that every media outlet has been banging on about the fact that out of 3000 + members of the company only about 20 people right up the top have moved onto another job at another place (most likely with a good send off with a banquet and all) but I think it needs to be absolutely clear on this.

Trains are identical - Check
Tracks are identical – Check
Staff are still wearing the badly fitting overcoats – Check
Control System is still identical – Check
MX still handed out haphazardly at stations – Check
Occasional spin still sent out by Transport Minister – Check
Transit Authority still informing us that it won’t be fixed overnight –Check

It doesn't seem that different to me personally. But on that last point is where I start to get a little annoyed. We just went out to the world to look for the people who are prepared to offer us the method to turn our ailing system around and they haven’t completed it already?
I don’t care if the infrastructure is so bad we might as well wrap it all up in Gaffer tape or that every train is sticking together entirely based on the belief held by Lynne Kosky in flying pigs but they should be able to fix this thing quick smart. Considering how long and arduous this tender process was I can’ think why we didn’t get a team who promised converting lead into gold, water into wine and bus stops into nightclubs, all in the first night.
I have noticed a few new changes though already, apart from the occasional new executive laughing uproariously from the Metro head office. As one of the new changes is for more information on announcements, I presume Commuters will now get a clipped female reading full romantic history of all trains should any of them need a mental fatigue day. Granted it will tell us what actually happened but it will be dull and boring but wouldn’t it be better to have a droll sarcastic voice yelling out obscenities to help the commuters at least know it annoys the operators and workers just as much them.

Still I’ll give them 90 days(28 Feb 2010) before I properly yell and abuse them. I don’t know why but I would actually like them to get the system working to cover the 600,000 people who travel daily. And if they need it, I’m more than happy to yell obscenities over the loudspeaker instead of the current announcements.

Repainting the deck chairs on the Titanic.

I seem to be thinking that to fix a mechanically unfit car you need to, occasionally, fiddle with a part or two to get the rust bucket working. Maybe, if necessary, it might be an idea to replace one or two things to keep it going smoothly or, and this is a last resort, the whole thing seems to be falling apart while it’s vibrating down the road it might even be an idea to send it to the scrapyard in the sky (or at least at the end of the street.) But should I recommend that the best way for you to get your car to work would be to re-badge it, repaint it you may think me just a little bit crazy. Even if you’re totally inept and unable to find the difference between your car battery and the windscreen wiper refill port you may just decide to consult an overprice mechanic over myself.

Personally, I wouldn’t blame you.

But that exactly what the Victorian Governments believe will help the embattled transport system do. Considering I’m in marketing I’m highly doubtful that a new logo on a pack of letterhead for each of the stations and some new signs will really assist the operators, the passengers and the trains in general to get past gruelling weather conditions, outdated equipment and an increase in patronage.

But does this kind of spin really help? Can our trains and transport system be run on the optimism of the political candidates and can they really assume. We do joke often that Politicians produce enough hot air to power a wind farm but can we now hook up a politician to a train to ensure it will run.

And that, really, could be a valid idea, considering there is an interest in reducing out carbon footprint and a recent increase in unemployment. Why not gather up all the prospective political aspirants and chuck them in front of the old motor less carriages. The driver can whip them to keep pace ensuring they manage to get to Flinders Street by 8 am and we’d reduce the carbon footprint considerably. Who would have thought the race for parliament was actually a literal reference.

And should there be any issue with this we can include the assistants in this as well. Why stop at just punishing those whose voices keep the media entertained when we can get the whole office block who assist the Member of Parliament to push 500 or so passengers into the city. If someone asks, ‘What is your MP doing for you?’ you can just point to the front of the carriage and nod.



Ah well, we can only dream.

Still, I’m going to get my paint brush out and repaint my own car. Apparently it needs a new fuel tank but I think it only needs a nice coat of Ferrari red.