A sad farewell to Colleague

If, in this time of economic upheaval, the worst should happen and a friend, colleague or countryman pushes or is pushed to get out of there job the whole workplace enters a period of uncertainty. Often this can be due to people questioning whether there own job is safe, questioning who will steal the office chair first and finally who has to take responsibility for the leathery plant that seems to be the only greenery for a few kilometres.

But the other thought that start to plague people and makes people watch each other like hawks is when the required envelope goes around for the “farewell present” that work has decided that it can’t afford. And while the office personal assistant hovers over you watching your hands move inside you’re almost empty wallet you have to put the right note in without seeming like a stingy bastard or put too much to seem overly generous. It’s a fine balancing act between nasty and generous that will invariably land you in trouble unless it matches in with the workplace requirement. The rules of the desk jungle that no-one speaks about but everyone is meant to know. So to all you new workers who are looking in there coffee coins I’ll put down a few notes that will hopefully help you.

On first inspection of the envelope never ask ‘how much is expected’ as that will raise the ire of said personal assistant who will then send it round in an express email to all the other assistants and slow your important stationary order for a couple of month. This kind of question is never said out loud even though it’s valid and only muttered occasionally under a cone of silence. This kind of question is considered an ‘attitude’ that is only seen as being a benefit in an accountant or politician.
A good way to go about this is to mention that you still have to draw money out for the day, though you may still get a scowl, and you can then watch how much others put into the pot.

But I wouldn’t be making my money from this blog without recommending a figure or at least a few figures that should roughly give you an idea how much is right to hand over for some poor unknown worker from the other end of the building who has decided to start his own Origami business. The magical starting figure is $10 and that’s just for your run of the mill, ‘good morning, how are you’ colleague that you chatted to once about beekeeping. If you happen to have a liaison with them at one point or another it might be a good idea to add an extra $10, especially if you have included a deep and meaningful conversation at the Christmas party about your one true love. If this happens to be a close partner of an illicit nature then bump it up to $40 to $50 and if you are already married to them leave it at $50 but add a shopping list to the note especially if they get to leave earlier on that day.
If you are the owner or manager of your section it’s best to match the highest person and if you put in too much, you will be hated for showing off how much more you earn or derided. It can’t be helped as if you didn’t you’d be loathed for putting in too little, so it is best to grin, make a bad joke, insult someone then shut your door loudly.

Now, the recession is apparently about to hit our economy like a cyclone, so I’m going to have to shore up my illegible farewell note script, keep my collection of $10 notes handy and not talk to anyone wanting more than a quick hello about beekeeping.

Love and service

Many of us at one point in our life will have had a crush or fantasy on a waitress or waiter. But be wary of this kind of option of relationship as this kind of crush is fine as long as it stays a crush. Should it eventuate into anything serious the whole café – client power play will be in jeopardy.

These staff are kept in pristine condition by minutes of hiring, seconds of training and years of verbal haranguing from the clientele. So should someone make a personal connection between staff and one of the public, the whole balance of helper and payee may be ruined and the world might collapse into a little ball of hydrogen (no real connection between the two, but it just might).

The reasons for the staff being as distant as they are is a truly dastardly secret.
You may think that the wait staff are their to help you have food and drink but the owners have other ideas. They really select there waiters and waitresses to ensure maximum return on there client and the point the owners (who coincidentally are all evil overlords inhabiting volcano’s) ensure their staff know is that they have to stay alluring yet aloof. Many owners are wary of this and attempt various displays to ensure that the clientele remain a little distant to the staff by hanging funny sayings on the wall over the tips jar to promote the idea of working staff insanity. Their whole point of the wait staff is for guilt and guilt alone.

If you’re not there for your regular decaf double choc soy lemon infused flat white on the dot at 10:39 am the waitress checks a mirror to ensure her most heart wrenching pout is visible when you do finally push the door past the annoying bell. Why else would any sane minded Legal Director visibly empty her wallet into the tip jar if not for the waiter making sad puppy dog eyes at her for declining a second coffee at lunchtime. And heaven help you if you’re actually sick. I recommend that, short of a coma, you be sitting at that rickety death-trap stool half smiling with a hand calling them over. If you are actually in a coma, send a nurse.

But we shouldn’t be cowed by such displays of emotional blackmail. These waiting staff are still human (some may be questionable) and we need to use our own measures to get back at them. If they start to wield the power away from us too much we need to strike back with our own blackmail. Some people do know the truth and make there best efforts to be surly, unhelpful and abusive to helpful wait staff because they KNOW THE TRUTH(I can’t think of any other real reason personally).

Anyway, to ensure the balance is kept you don’t have to yell rants of abuse about insufficient foam, just make sure you aren’t addicted to your personal large frappe or chai and keep a random schedule.
But I can’t go on right now, I have to run.
I need to get my Latte from across the road.
I think I might be a little late.