The allen key of reliance.

I was recently extremely impressed by the ingenuity and ‘can-do’ attitude(one of those wonderful business terms my old work loved using) of a neighbour of mine recently when he decided to paint his own car. Now, I’m not one to normally talk up the virtues of breathing in litres of toxic chemicals, but truth be told, the job he did was equal, if not better, than most jobs completed by a fully fledged paint monkey at a repair center (please not that we do not condone the hiring of monkeys for painting, only for panel beating). My own surprise was initially compounded by the fact that his entire equipment compliment comprised of a herald sun, a couple of cans of black gloss spray paint and a breathing mask. The fact that it cost him the smallest fraction of a fully fledged paint job in both time and monetary value really made me sit up and take notice.

But can this not be transferred to other jobs that do exist. Can we not look at important everyday jobs such as chemical manufacture, children’s entertainment and submarine tester to save our dollars instead of handing over an unused organ to a dodgy organ store to ensure we get our personal submarine tested?

I think that some jobs can be taken away from these niche markets to save our own pennies. Why hire a person to peel grapes and other food items for you when you can do it yourself for a saving of almost 100%. Have you actually looked at your life to see if there are some jobs you can do yourself.

Personally, I think the car wash industry, with its self service bays has led the way for years and I think that most industries should take a leaf out of their books. Can we walk straight into a dentists surgery sit down in the chair and skewer our gums with a drill without hearing about the attendants newest yacht. Can we walk into a farm and grab a milking cow by it’s udders to get a litre or so instead of all this newfangled milking and processing techniques with the added benefit of mocking city slickers for not understanding country life.

Truth be told, this idea is already in evidence. Ikea has been working on this theory for years and they still seem to be getting bigger, despite the fact that every person who has put together an one of their beds has nervously slept for a few years after for fear that they hadn’t put every bolt into the frame and could now be sleeping on a death-trap in darkened pine.

But anyway, I can see this is the way to live my life from now on. I am saying 'no more reliance on useful industry jobs' and more work by my own two hands.
Well, except for the dishes in the sink.
I think washing is just a little too complicated for me.

Our home away from Home

I think that there could be a problem that the world don't see the "real" Australia. It has to be an issue that they don't get the right impression about us.
It seems that our reputation is based on a theory that we all say 'g'day' constantly, show off an extensive arsenal of knives, and occasionally tackling a crocodile and for being loud, abusive angry film stars in Hollywood. And this is all based on the fact that our best media representations to the world are our down to earth khaki wrestling crocodiles, our bus riding drag queens, our megalomaniac media moguls and a psychotic vengeance seeking lawman with a penchance for Leather.

I believe we should start to send out better representations from our moat-bound isle than these shallow representations of our fair nation. I don't think we can just rely on the bywords of our tourists and mentions in occasional distopyan action movies. Can we actoally get our greatest minds together and not throw money at Baz Luhrman as an ad campaign. I didn't have much respect for the Lara Bingle 'Bloody Hell' ad campaign but at least it showed a semblance of our dry humour and irreverent swearing to the world. Can we get our tourist ads produced on an "underbelly" tone with sex, violence and possibly bootlegging. Or maybe get our very own Kath and Kim production house to show the virtues of the outer outer eastern regions of Melbourne and surrounding housing estates in all their outspoken glory.


But this may not be a problem for our island nation but in actual fact I see this as a great opportunity. While we are percieved as fun loving freedom wanting individuals we can now plan our best takeover of the world. We can sit behind this thin mask of incorrect perception and plan for a global world domination.
Who's to say the process isn't already in effect with Australian expats getting control of major media outlets and the world beer supplies we may be halfway to grinding the world to a halt should our nefarious demands not be met.

And now, I think I should be off. Our nation is in need of an Art Deco style lair built around an active volcano. I have a spade and a shovel and I'm going to dig till I find Lava.

Spending for the nation

In times of treacherous economic decisions it is always good to feel a little better about yourselves if you manage to save a little bit of money or think you have saved some cash from one thing or another.

When you happen to get the milk carton with ‘20% more Milk TM’ you smile to yourself as you elbow the poor pensioner off her motor scooter so you can have that extra Milo before you go to sleep without feeling guilty. When you see a ‘5 for the cost of 1’ tray of car air fresheners with the scent of stale beer you have to pick up at least 15 just in case the fiscal apocalypse does happen to crash the world monetary fund and no-one is prepared to make them ever again.

And if this kind of economic frugalness is ‘here to stay’ as most media outlets parrot endlessly, at least until decadence and greed is glamorous again then we’ll have to start to look further and further into measures to beat this recession like a continuously jammed printer in the office.

But the true nature of the beast cannot be beaten by government stimulus packages alone. We, the people, need to start frivolously overspending this money. We need to truly believe that $240 to see Mick Jagger attempt to rock all over again is worth a hidden seat in the back of a cupboard at Rod Laver Arena just so that Keith Richards can snort cocaine off the tour busses toilet seat. We should all buy a small overpriced lump of moving metal that may depreciate within seconds of leaving the lot as a third of it’s cost enters to the speaking salesman’s pockets who’s best character trait is that he can straighten his tie by using only his eyebrows. These things are the best option when convincing yourself, what you can do.

So go out now, spend up and spend up big. Don’t look at something lovingly thinking that you should save the money for your poor child. Buy them a future, buy them a life of luxury, get them limited edition autographed football Guernsey from your favourite team and know that while the food may be a little thin on the table, a tear will come to there eyes(mostly involuntary) when they gaze at that signature.

Now, please excuse me while I rush off. A trusted salesman I know is offering me limited edition Wolverine china TeaSet. Apparently only 5 million cups were made with left handed handles so I’m hoping to I can spend a good 900 to get a matching set. I think I’m worth it.

Repainting the deck chairs on the Titanic.

I seem to be thinking that to fix a mechanically unfit car you need to, occasionally, fiddle with a part or two to get the rust bucket working. Maybe, if necessary, it might be an idea to replace one or two things to keep it going smoothly or, and this is a last resort, the whole thing seems to be falling apart while it’s vibrating down the road it might even be an idea to send it to the scrapyard in the sky (or at least at the end of the street.) But should I recommend that the best way for you to get your car to work would be to re-badge it, repaint it you may think me just a little bit crazy. Even if you’re totally inept and unable to find the difference between your car battery and the windscreen wiper refill port you may just decide to consult an overprice mechanic over myself.

Personally, I wouldn’t blame you.

But that exactly what the Victorian Governments believe will help the embattled transport system do. Considering I’m in marketing I’m highly doubtful that a new logo on a pack of letterhead for each of the stations and some new signs will really assist the operators, the passengers and the trains in general to get past gruelling weather conditions, outdated equipment and an increase in patronage.

But does this kind of spin really help? Can our trains and transport system be run on the optimism of the political candidates and can they really assume. We do joke often that Politicians produce enough hot air to power a wind farm but can we now hook up a politician to a train to ensure it will run.

And that, really, could be a valid idea, considering there is an interest in reducing out carbon footprint and a recent increase in unemployment. Why not gather up all the prospective political aspirants and chuck them in front of the old motor less carriages. The driver can whip them to keep pace ensuring they manage to get to Flinders Street by 8 am and we’d reduce the carbon footprint considerably. Who would have thought the race for parliament was actually a literal reference.

And should there be any issue with this we can include the assistants in this as well. Why stop at just punishing those whose voices keep the media entertained when we can get the whole office block who assist the Member of Parliament to push 500 or so passengers into the city. If someone asks, ‘What is your MP doing for you?’ you can just point to the front of the carriage and nod.



Ah well, we can only dream.

Still, I’m going to get my paint brush out and repaint my own car. Apparently it needs a new fuel tank but I think it only needs a nice coat of Ferrari red.

Newspaper killed the Twitter Star

After a time of yelling repeatedly at friends getting louder each time we finished playing Pictionary on the weekend. We were in high spirits and drinking other spirits as well and will, most likely, quote idiocy from it for years to come. I, personally, think we’d had more fun than cramming us all onto a dance-dance revolution to tap dance.

And, after this, I still think board games still can go the distance against there computer compatriots despite the death knell indicated in every article written about them. Every article written about them since the start of television will tell you that in the future no-one will crow over their family at Monopoly or cheat decisively at Cluedo. No-one has mentioned twister yet, though I think that has kept its high usage by children’s parties and drunken teenage drinking games (I make note that the second has never been exploited to its full availability by its parent company).

So why do media outlets think that for every new invention out there some industry should be wearing black, hanging up closed signs and deciding to form a band. Why, at every available opportunity, do we here about the iPod killer, the replacement for books and the end of radio? What real purpose can be seen by alluding to these pieces of plastic being compared to Jack the Ripper for sensational purposes.

I am still to see the death of radio, the end of children reading books, the replacement of television with the internet and all other visions of the future reporters seem to be bound to mention in their articles. Are we really relying on these reporters to give us our ‘vision of the future’? We seem extremely sceptical of a seemingly elderly crone crouching on a milk crate in a tepee telling us our future but should the writer from Newville Chronicles mention that helium balloons will replace the conventional automobile we bow to this opinion and nod over cups of tea at our next mad hatters tea party.


I am yet to see a train without a single person carrying one of the flimsy papers known as newspapers that has been said to disappear ever since the wireless came along. The wireless itself has still been on the ‘endangered species’ list on everything since the cathode ray made a name for itself. Who argued, in the 80’s, with the sentiment that video killed the radio star. I personally can’t think of any nightclub where a VJ (Video Jockey apparently) can make enough money to be called a starving artist.

So why is it only mediums that are already on the wanted list are the ones that are reporting these things? Why are there blogs out there telling everyone that no-one will be Twitting and not blogging. Is there such self loathing in the reporting industry for there personal medium? We should really be worried about this entire profession if they think that nothing they do is worth the paper it’s printed on. Maybe we need to have mandatory anti-depressants for these reporters if they hate their jobs that much?

Still, I think the best option is to slowly wind back a little and become technophobic again. This technological development may not be all that helpful. We need to look at what we’ve done in the past and try it over again. I’m going to start chipping away at some stone tablets for my next blog and get a personal slave to carry them to you.

It might not be next week though.

An 'Emotional' Message

I love living my life by moderation. If people ask how I am I might say 'good', 'bad', 'tired' or even 'where's the coffee'. It seems that that really covers my lifes feelings, wants and gives back about as much information as the asker requires or wants. And despite english stunting emotionally direct communications, the tone of my answer will give away more about my actual feelings than anything else.

The tone of all my answers is, in fact a highly relevant supporting the use of the wonders of sarcasm, the wit of irony and the humour of a movie like 'Wayne's World'. All these things that are then lost in the wonders of the net. And that comes at a point. If you think I'm serious with the first comment of this paragraph you can't hear the tone of my voice dripping with sarcasm. You may be waiting to see if I'll insert a winking emoticon to check I'm joking otherwise you could, possibly, watch a feed of my webcam as I gaze, glassy eyed, into the glowing box of a screen in front of me. I can't see much emotion being conveyed through 36 alphebetised characters plus punctuation or at intently gazing at a flickering screen while people watch me from a plastic egg.

So can we get past this barrier of only putting straight flat lines down on a screen with little to no emotion. Does a :) really convey that I have ambivalent feelings about my cat's employment choices or that :P will show my heightened disapproval of the business plan for the matchstick world builder set. So what options does this leave us, Maybe we can start to have a colour variations to indicate anger(red) sadness(blue), envy(green), shallow(pink), Peachy(peach) or even Pissed Off(Yellow). Personally I like to think that emotion is all about pressure and the keyboards, in all there innovativeness, should be able to the pressure your pounding into the keys. So if you're hammering nails into a concrete wall or lightly brushing a speck of dust on the keyboard the letters should change in size. Apparently, the chinese language, has five different tonal variations but the English could not have over 128 different points of pressure. It might make it a little harder to see the vary light touch people have when typing lightly but punch the keyboard and some letters should sit there for days.

But just to be clear I'm quite happy to see you all reading this. It's just annoying for you, the reader, that you can't tell if I'm sarcastic or not.

What's in a name?(What's their name?)

Have you ever asked yourself what is really in a name?

What defines you to someone else?
What makes them remember that your name is not Fred or Antoinette?
Because often, if you're in this fair country of ours it's not the name that people will refer to you. I mean what is really in the use of a name. It's whole idea is to give you an individual persona but it's real usage is only to identify you in documents, across a crowded room and by the police should they ask your friend who it was that drove them from the scene of the crime.

But the real heart of your personal moniker is the nickname, especially in your local neighbourhood and workplace. With such a diverse creative flair in most people Darren can become anything by shortening from D to Dazza to D-ren then to lengthening it to something like Dublin Darren even if he’s from Bangalore and has a liking of Gridiron. And with our current trend of expanding nicknames Dublin can change to Ireland and be Irish in a blink of an eye.

So this very Australian method or renaming people, places, animals and any other noun within sight probably has a lot to do with the fact that few Australians speak clearly enough for you to understand there name. If they happen to be from somewhere like Melbourne. They tend to speak with speeds akin to a Japanese bullet train whereas up north near Cairns the vocals are so drawn out that by playing there words back at double the rate it still takes a minute to say the name Bob.

So the fallout of such a movement inside this country is that no-one actually knows the real name of a person that they talk too and the ‘AKA’ line in the Police report looks more like an internet phone directory. Many a friend gets into a conversation with another on a street corner only to start referring to them as Walker, for walking around all the time.

Still, you can take heart in the fact, that when your parents failed miserably in attempting to give you an unshorten-able name that they didn’t call you Moses or Apple and expect you to go through a playground without any minders.